I don’t know the answer again.  So I write.

During my relationship with my husband, I have been the one who consistently has been hurt enough to say something, to try to change unpleasant and painful behavior if I could – the one to talk to hm about it and see if he could/would.   Yes, he says he gets hurt but seemingly the only time he gets hurt is when he thinks he’s hurt me.   I end up feeling like a complainer, unhealthy and like I’m never satisfied.  Am I all of these things?  I don’t know.  I’m a very private person and these are personal things that I don’t want to talk about to anyone -  I think the healthiest way to deal with these issues is with my husband.  And if I do,  he feels attacked and criticized.  I can also talk to my sister but is she too much like me to see another side, or know if it’s something I should be working on “me” instead of “us”.   I listen to Oprah and Eckhart Tolle and try to imagine what they would suggest.

I’ve watched porn at various times in my life – enough to know it’s nothing that attracts me.  I’ve read and heard that the majority of men watch porn pretty regularly; that many women watch and enjoy porn.  I think we should all do what we like as much as we can and it’s no one else’s business.  I say go for it.

I lived with a man who was secretly completely absorbed in it.  He was admittedly a sex addict.  It was an extremely painful time in my life.   Following that relationship, I stayed single for several years.  I was determined that I would find what I considered an extraordinary man, and included in that description, he would be one of the few who loved sex and intimacy but was not interested in porn.   When appropriate, I was very open about it.

Well, I married a wonderful man 2-1/2 years after we met.   I thought we had covered every issue, including porn, before we married.  The first year was tough but we’ve settled into an exceptional marriage.   But I’ve discovered that he watches porn.  Alot.

We talked about porn.  Looking back, I feel that I should have guessed, but if I did – and I don’t remember not believing him – I buried it.  His leching bothered me intensely and he dealt with that.  I didn’t connect that to porn – if there is a connection.   Otherwise I felt he was my match and I’m not perfect either.  I was so looking forward to what I thought was the sexual relationship that I had waited my life for… and I’m incredibly disappointed.  Now I have no desire for him.  I have to force it and it’s no longer a joy, a fulfillment, an anticipation, an intimate time – it’s a dread.  i just hate this.

Even more painful is that he lied to me about his watching porn – looked me in the eye and lied.  And tried to make me feel that there was something wrong with my thoughts.  Not!  He finally admitted the porn when he knew that he couldn’t avoid it and told me that he thought if he did it while I was gone and didn’t know, that it wouldn’t hurt me.  Whatt!!!   That blatantly told me that he’ll do anything he wants and keep it from me.  I was shocked.  That is not what I think marriage is all about.  That’s obviously his credo.   And that is why I’m having so much distress.  My trust is broken.  Where is my safety?  Not even considering the porn.  That’s a minor issue compared to lying.  And he’s not a liar.   To me, that is directly attached to  addiction.  Lying is not ok in either of our  value systems.   He lied so well that I was doubting myself – and I feel that I have a sixth sense about lying.  I was relying totally on my “gut” this time – otherwise I would never have known.  Thank you God!

He’s said that he’s disliked himself for years because of his attachment to porn, that he doesn’t want it in his life.  After painful discussions with him about this, painful for both of us, I told him that I was dropping it.  And I have tried.  But nothing is resolved and I can’t just let it drop inside myself, I’m constantly dealing with my feelings about it.  I’ve been trying to use Tolle principles to deal with it.  I am on my life journey and so is my husband.  We both have a right to learn our lessons free of the other forcing the lesson.  At least that’s the best way I can verbalize how I interpret Tolle – and it makes perfect sense to me.  I want to be a person who can allow that – in both of us.

I’m obviously not accomplishing my goal.  Anger is building in me and I need to deal with it before i say something in a way that is not productive.  I’m having difficulty sleeping again. And I know it’s the anger.  And the confusion.   Lack of sleep makes it even more difficult to maintain my composure and I’m exhausted.  I can’t feel joy, I feel depressed and hopeless about having the marriage that I waited for.  I love my husband so much and want a true connection with him.  How do I do that?  Acceptance.  I need to let go somehow.

This is like an elephant in the living room.  We rarely talk about it.  And nothing seems to change inside me.  Age is a limitation on some aspects of our sexual relationship and that saddens me – that time is being wasted with this issue.  I try so hard to deal with my feelings and create the relationship that I want so deeply.  Why can I not get thru this and move on!

So I’ll go walk and listen to A New Earth, or Practicing the Now yet again.  Which one will have the words I need to hear today to break thru ….

Letting Go
Acceptance