Who Am I?


This morning, my sister sent a blog link, http://aleafinspringtime.wordpress.com/2012/11/15/a-guide-to-the-dark-side/

I know I meander in my thinking and writing a lot of the time but I’m really a bottom-line and short-attention-span kind-of-person so clear, concise messages appeal to me.   After reading the blog, a question resurfaced.  I’ve pondered it recently while reading Tolle and The Untethered Soul…if I’m not my emotions and mind voices, then who am I?  All of my life I had determined who I was by what now I understand were egoic standards, what I do – not who I am.   That identity  has changed over my lifetime.  I also unconsciously sensed that I was more than my self-description but never put conscious thought to it until recently.

I’ve known most of my life that my gut is my guide.  It is how I understand my life.  I have so far been able to consistently depend on God speaking to me this way.  It’s about the only constant in my life.  And I am a good listener.   Also, without much thought,  I’ve known that my gut is  always right and I’ve felt very certain of my decisions when I had that gut knowing.   But I don’t always get it when I think I need it and that is when I’ve started, in the past, to question if what I’m hearing in my mind voice is God speaking – or not.  Well, now I know it is not.   I will question no more.  I will quiet myself and wait for my gut knowing.

I didn’t understand the role of the mind chatter and have spent untold hours of emotional pain and anguish, endured many sleepless nights because I engaged and listened and tried to make decisions from there.   Until recently, I didn’t know I had a choice!

I don’t have a problem with all of this when things are going well.  My mind voice gives me some useful information.  It’s when I feel anger, fear, distrust – all of the negative stuff…that’s when the negative mind voices kick in.  And they are scolding, accusing, bring up the worst case scenario – every time – just plain negative thoughts.    They intensify feelings of regret and insecurity… and on and on…

I’m sure I heard or read this somewhere but I’ve found that if I try to watch my thoughts – ask myself, “What are my thoughts right now, what am I thinking?”,  I realize I have no thoughts when I’m doing that.  It helps clear my mind.  Sounds confusing maybe, but try it and see if it works for you.   Deepak Choprah says to concentrate attention on our hands, sensations, tingling.   It breaks the mind cycle.  That works for me as well.

After reading several books and listening to many “messengers”… Oprah, Iyanla, Michael Singer, Maya Angelou, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra..and others, learning to observe  the chatter patterns – I was finally able to put it all together today.   I know that life unfolds and goes on, the sun comes up and goes down, seasons pass…   Life doesn’t cause problems for me.  Challenges, yes.   I’ll bet my problems could almost always be traced back to the negative, dark side  mind voices that are full of misinformation and making problems from my inner issues!  I’m becoming more and more aware of that.

Back to who I really am, while talking about it with my sister this morning, I chuckled to myself.  Funny!  I suddenly remembered  that I had already figured out who I really am.  I had just forgotten for a moment.  In the last month, after Deepak Choprah ask Oprah who she really is, I decided to define myself.   Here I am, 72 years old and I finally figured out that my name (label) is Sharon, and none of my accomplishments define who I am.   They’re a part of what I do, not who I am.

God put me here, in human form,  to express who He is in spiritual form.  I’m a spiritual being, an expression of God. I’m here to express His love, service, grace, peace, comfort, mercy, encouragement – all good things that He is.    A reminder of how I want – and need – to respond, initiate, live my life in a more purposeful way.   I’m a student and a listener living in abundance, passion and love.  Yes!

My spiritual identity, who I really am, is one that that doesn’t change.   Describing what I do is so different from how I do the things I do.     My challenge is to remember why and how I choose to “do” my life.   I have clear guidelines.

What a difference a day makes!  And as usual, I need to write my new AHA moment down so that I don’t forget who I am again… Chuckle.

Grace…


In the week previous to a time that I needed grace as much as I can ever remember needing it, I was watching Oprah and Iyanla on Lifeclass.  Iyanla said… “if you need God’s grace, it’s there”.  It’s already and always there.  You just need to accept it.  (I’m paraphrasing).  She said, “If you don’t have it, you don’t want it because it’s right there”.   If you’ve seen Iyanla, you can imagine the inflection and underlining – capitalizing – those words with her voice and gestures.

That was an “Aha Moment” for me.  I had experienced grace to be a very elusive unknown.  When I needed it most, it seemed to be unattainable.

This is another one of those times when what I needed to learn came at exactly the right moment!  Another confirmation of how much I’m loved and protected.

I was in what felt like unbearable angst about a medical issue that I was being faced with…and I could find no peace.   My sister had come to visit and be with me and while on a walk with her, I mentioned what I’d heard Iyanla say and voila!!  I accepted grace and had complete calm and peace.  For the entire day.  It was comfort and it was restful.  In fact, I had it through most of that night.  It seemed really simple.

I awoke early morning with the angst again.  In my pain and fear, I forgot about accepting grace.  When I did remember, I couldn’t seem to get hold of it.  I was in tears and had one of my ongoing conversations with God.  I ask Him to please help me.  I explained to Him (ha) that I knew his grace was right there but told him that I was unable to reach out and find it, ask that he please help me out and deliver it to me.

Now I don’t know how to explain all of this other than report what happened.  It was instantaneous.  I had peace and grace again.  More than that, I felt a comfort that I couldn’t begin to explain in words.  When I’d start slipping into fearful thoughts, I’d experience not a voice, as such, but a definite conversation in that personal way that I hear God when he’s speaking to me.  He was right there with me on the way to the hospital.  Second by second, he’d gently remind me to hang in there with him and experience him.  As long as I kept my thoughts on that peace and grace, everything was tolerable.  It was truly a spiritually amazing experience.  Not to say that I didn’t have intense moments of fear and anguish, but was able to get through them pretty quickly.  At least until they started to wheel me out for the surgery.   And then, thank God, they gave me the knock out shot.  Smile.

One thing I learned is that my thoughts of fear and pain separate me from grace.  Because of this experience, I clearly learned that yes, I get grace because it’s there …if I guard my thoughts from the voices in my head.  If I let myself listen to those voices – and decide that they are me, they almost always take over with doubt and fear.  A long, long list of “What if’s”, wild imaginings…  My part in this is to remember what I’ve learned from Eckhart Tolle and Michael Singer (The Untethered Soul).  The voices are not me.  I am the observer.

Jill Bolte Taylor has written in Stroke of Insight, that physically, any emotion (or energy) – good or bad – takes 90 seconds to run through our body.  If we have anger, fear, joy…any emotion, longer than that, it’s because we’ve chosen to hold on to it.  Michael Singer, in The Untethered Soul (One of my favorite books, by the way), writes about the same thing.  That we need to constantly be open, heart, mind and spirit, keeping all chakras open.  And that means allowing every emotion, every energy to flow through us – immediately.  Then we can be open for what is happening each moment.  The now.   If that energy – the emotions – get blocked, held on to, then we live in that emotion – fear, distrust, emotional pain.  It isn’t something that “happens” to us.  We make a clear choice to live there.   Past pains can be released as soon as they appear.   Letting go of the past!    I didn’t know that’s how it works!   Relax and watch it flow right through us.  It only lasts for 90 seconds!   If it reappears, let it pass through again.  If you’re interested, you might want to read the books – they say it much better than I.  I’ve learned so much through the last few months that I feel like a different person.   I am so thankful for everything that I’ve learned and experienced.  Help is always right there when I need it!

About grace – I wish I could say these are my original words but they’re not… they’re from Caroline Myss when Oprah was interviewing her on Super Soul Sunday.

Caroline explained grace as that experience of the sudden knowing, a message that everything is going to be ok.  And then it’s gone as suddenly as it appeared.  But it left the knowing.  That’s grace.

Grace is the quiet whisper … “don’t say that right now”, “don’t do that right now”.  That’s grace too.  Our part is listening to the knowing and acting – or not acting on it.

Grace is that something that makes a moment better.

Bottom line…we do have choices.  And I really like options!  Now I know a little more about how to use them.

Once again, I’m SO grateful!