Who Am I?


This morning, my sister sent a blog link, http://aleafinspringtime.wordpress.com/2012/11/15/a-guide-to-the-dark-side/

I know I meander in my thinking and writing a lot of the time but I’m really a bottom-line and short-attention-span kind-of-person so clear, concise messages appeal to me.   After reading the blog, a question resurfaced.  I’ve pondered it recently while reading Tolle and The Untethered Soul…if I’m not my emotions and mind voices, then who am I?  All of my life I had determined who I was by what now I understand were egoic standards, what I do – not who I am.   That identity  has changed over my lifetime.  I also unconsciously sensed that I was more than my self-description but never put conscious thought to it until recently.

I’ve known most of my life that my gut is my guide.  It is how I understand my life.  I have so far been able to consistently depend on God speaking to me this way.  It’s about the only constant in my life.  And I am a good listener.   Also, without much thought,  I’ve known that my gut is  always right and I’ve felt very certain of my decisions when I had that gut knowing.   But I don’t always get it when I think I need it and that is when I’ve started, in the past, to question if what I’m hearing in my mind voice is God speaking – or not.  Well, now I know it is not.   I will question no more.  I will quiet myself and wait for my gut knowing.

I didn’t understand the role of the mind chatter and have spent untold hours of emotional pain and anguish, endured many sleepless nights because I engaged and listened and tried to make decisions from there.   Until recently, I didn’t know I had a choice!

I don’t have a problem with all of this when things are going well.  My mind voice gives me some useful information.  It’s when I feel anger, fear, distrust – all of the negative stuff…that’s when the negative mind voices kick in.  And they are scolding, accusing, bring up the worst case scenario – every time – just plain negative thoughts.    They intensify feelings of regret and insecurity… and on and on…

I’m sure I heard or read this somewhere but I’ve found that if I try to watch my thoughts – ask myself, “What are my thoughts right now, what am I thinking?”,  I realize I have no thoughts when I’m doing that.  It helps clear my mind.  Sounds confusing maybe, but try it and see if it works for you.   Deepak Choprah says to concentrate attention on our hands, sensations, tingling.   It breaks the mind cycle.  That works for me as well.

After reading several books and listening to many “messengers”… Oprah, Iyanla, Michael Singer, Maya Angelou, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra..and others, learning to observe  the chatter patterns – I was finally able to put it all together today.   I know that life unfolds and goes on, the sun comes up and goes down, seasons pass…   Life doesn’t cause problems for me.  Challenges, yes.   I’ll bet my problems could almost always be traced back to the negative, dark side  mind voices that are full of misinformation and making problems from my inner issues!  I’m becoming more and more aware of that.

Back to who I really am, while talking about it with my sister this morning, I chuckled to myself.  Funny!  I suddenly remembered  that I had already figured out who I really am.  I had just forgotten for a moment.  In the last month, after Deepak Choprah ask Oprah who she really is, I decided to define myself.   Here I am, 72 years old and I finally figured out that my name (label) is Sharon, and none of my accomplishments define who I am.   They’re a part of what I do, not who I am.

God put me here, in human form,  to express who He is in spiritual form.  I’m a spiritual being, an expression of God. I’m here to express His love, service, grace, peace, comfort, mercy, encouragement – all good things that He is.    A reminder of how I want – and need – to respond, initiate, live my life in a more purposeful way.   I’m a student and a listener living in abundance, passion and love.  Yes!

My spiritual identity, who I really am, is one that that doesn’t change.   Describing what I do is so different from how I do the things I do.     My challenge is to remember why and how I choose to “do” my life.   I have clear guidelines.

What a difference a day makes!  And as usual, I need to write my new AHA moment down so that I don’t forget who I am again… Chuckle.

Missing A Memory – And Oprah!


Some things are just not meant to be.  In a sense.   At least the planned outcome.   Or is there a deeper meaning, lesson or awareness gained from every  process?

My sister who lives in another City told me about the Thirteen Indigenous Grandmothers and I was excited.  I love being a grandmother and believe in the purpose they hold.  And at least one of the Grandmothers was participating in a nearby gathering.

My sister and I decided to attend the fair.   These Grandmothers – what an example of the power of a group of women – any group of women –  with a united intent and purpose.   Another story, another time.

My niece lives in the general vicinity of our destination so we met at her home and left the following morning for our mecca.  My niece is a unique blend of intelligence, creativity and humor embodied in love.  We had one of those amazing times that cannot be planned or forced – they just happen.   I think “awesome” is an overused adjective – but well described our evening.  Special – very special.

Naturally, our conversation included Oprah.  My Sis told me she had gotten a ticket for “O You” in Atlanta.  I was in no financial position to expect to go but I decided to “see myself there”, expect a miracle,  and bought a ticket.  Impulse.  I let myself get excited and did a lot of visualizing.  My sister said that she was thinking of getting an airline ticket for me with her frequent flyer points and she had a hotel reservation that she would have for herself with room for me.  If I had pursued that, which would have been extremely difficult for me to do, I know I could have gotten there.  Somehow I couldn’t do it.  Why?

I believed  – boy did I believe.  But finances didn’t work the way I had planned and the refund deadline was drawing closer.  I was struggling with questions about spending the money even if I had it when some of my family is in dire need of help and I have very little to help them with – so I requested a refund.  About 3-4 days later, my sister called and said that her husband had offered to buy an airline ticket if I would go with her.   Conversation led to my being excited again and jumping in with both feet.  My sister did too.  I would need to see if I could get my ticket back but Oprah’s team is efficient and it had already been processed.  I was VERY disappointed.  My Sis suggested the response was only regarding the refund process, not an answer to my Oprah email asking her to let me have my ticket back.  I know she would if she possibly could.  I even fantasized Oprah surprising me at my door with my ticket and a trip to Atlanta.  Just a thought that crossed my hopeful mind:)

I advertised on Craigslist in Atlanta, was told by some sellers that their advertised tickets had sold within seconds of posting.  Then the miracle happened – I got a note from Oprah (collectively speaking again) saying that they could provide a ticket for me, that someone would be calling shortly, ask for a time frame and phone number.  I was again SO excited.   The roller coaster was on the way up!  Yay!!

And then… in the meantime, we had been looking for a reasonable airline ticket – impossible to find on such short notice.   Prices were going up each day and by the time the opportunity hit – O You ticket and airline ticket opportunity – at the same time – our conservative (somewhat) natures kicked in.  Down again.  The pits.  I hadn’t been able to hold my brand new great-granddaughter AND missed my O You opportunity.  All in the same day.  I was in the pits.  Pretty deep pits!

Well, I’m still in the pits and sick to my stomach – literally – and trying to figure this whole emotional fiasco out.  What is my lesson – I truly believe that’s what the whole thing was about – some kind of lesson that I want not to repeat.   Why so much pain – about both disappointments – and why did they hit on the same day.  What the heck, Edgar???  In the whole scheme of things – what is the meaning.    This has been the short version.

I have to go eat lunch and walk.   And listen again to  Eckhart Tolle!!!   To be continued…..

PS Update:   Oh! Now I get it!

Expectations! Lost Opportunities! Oh Really?


My lovingly awaited great-granddaughter was born three days ago.  I have adored her as my “hoped for great-grandchild” even before she was conceived and my love for her has grown stronger each day.  When I heard she was here, I was in a crescendo of love and emotion.  I was in tears of joy on the way to the hospital.  I couldn’t wait to hold her, bless her, sing and coo to her, feel her little body in my arms and kiss her little neck and eyelids.  And see my son hold his first granddaughter.

Expectations and assumptions.

The Before Story….I was surprised that none of us were allowed to hold her.  Her Mommy didn’t want to share her with any of us yet.  I’ve never encountered that so it wasn’t even in my frame of reference.  Surprise didn’t come as much from expectations as past experiences.  Ellie – my daughter, and Sara – Mommy’s Sister and Sydneys Godmother – were beside themselves with joy as well.  Just before we had to leave, Mommy’s Sister ask if she could hold her new Goddaughter and was given a definite “No” by Mommy.  I saw Mommy’s Sister’s face and my heart ached for her and I forgot my own disappointment.  My two granddaughters’ ‘Nother Mother” – Ellie, Sara and I met later and talked for a couple of hours, expressing our disappointment, pain and yes, frustration.   We decided the moment had passed but there could be another.

After conversation over a glass of wine…I accepted Mommy’s decision.  It wasn’t that Mommy didn’t want to share – it was simply that she wanted to bond with her own daughter – her first chance since she was born!!   When I got my wits about me, I knew, of course, that it was as it should be.   I chuckled at my immature self – at 71!

My great-granddaughter is three days old now and timing has still prevented me from holding her.  I went back to the hospital the night of her birth but nurses were doing their duties and Sydney was fussy.  I know her Mommy was exhausted, had four hours of sleep in 48 hours, plus birthing a child.  She was apologetic and sensitive about the delay in getting to hold Sydney.   I understand all of that.  But I’m still so anxious to hold her!  For the moment it was really enough seeing them all tonight for a short visit.  I was filled with joy.  Sydney Sue was a reality and that sated me.

OK, Oh Mature Adult One!  Quick!  What have I learned?

What am I feeling?  First of all, I realize that I have some innate expectation of being honored as the great-grandmother.  Logical or not, I assumed I’d  get to hold her,  snuggle her and share my joy.   Timing.  I feel honored to get to share the unspoken joy of the moment with all of our family – this moment of new  life.     I will hold her soon, of course.   I love her and welcome her.   I love and adore her Mommy too, my precious granddaughter.  I honor her as a new mother.

Even though relieved, joyous, all of the emotions of having a new life in her life, my granddaughter is appearing a bit overwhelmed, she’s almost certainly struggling with many things – she seems pretty depressed and who would not be with so little sleep.  But she has absolutely no confusion about her role as a new mother and her love for her baby.   I remember those feelings – confusing mixtures of emotions.    It’s an intense time – for her as a new mother.

She’s now in the sisterhood of child-bearer.  I can’t wait for our closeness to manifest itself with that lingering eye contact between my granddaughter and I that says it all – that “we know” the meaning of this moment, even if we don’t have words to speak it.  That we are connecting and acknowledging our love for each other, this new life and in that, all mothers, children and life.

I honor my granddaughter’s choices – whatever they are.  She has every right to live her life and “mother” as she wishes.  She has wonderful hopes, guidelines and plans to be the best mother she can be.  And I’m absolutely sure she will be.  I’m grateful that she is being true to herself and had the courage to care for her needs and feelings.  She has “Mommy Rights”.

Flexibility, patience, 71-year-old grasshopper!

Update – My new great-granddaughter is now four days old.   My granddaughter texted to invite me to visit them.  They’re home, settled in, comfortable and so ready to share the joy.  I’m there!

I was so grateful for all I’ve learned from this new life already.  I was able to look beyond myself, feel my feelings and finally accept that although I totally understand my granddaughters decisions – got over myself and thought of my Beloved Granddaughter –  when I got out of my emotion and became “conscious” – that I could also  acknowledge my own feelings  about it and understand them.   One really has nothing to do with the other – honoring and validating others feelings doesn’t  mean devaluing or dishonoring my own feelings.

And, by the way, I felt my granddaughter and I  had a moment of  eye contact, the “knowing”, the love that could never be expressed in words.

I’m so very grateful!

PS:  Maybe this is why I missed O You?  I so wanted to be there, But!  If I’d had to choose –  my time with my new great-granddaughter and her family?

Yes, I now get it.   And I’m so happy!

My First Great-Grandchild – It’s a Girl!


Our Beloved Baby Brooklyn!

Our Beloved Baby Brooklyn! What a wonderful day this is. Such a little miracle. Such a special gift to our family!

Are you a great-grandmother?  Or a grandmother or grandfather?  Then you’ll probably know what I’m trying to say.  It’s amazing, always, to see the miracle of new life.  The fun of new puppies, kittens, baby chicks…   But our progeny?  OMG!

The births of my three children were amazing and I was in awe, I was in love.  I was also overwhelmed, felt inadequate, was pretty clueless about mothering but did my best.  My children, now grown, are still amazing.   I’ve learned about life from my daughter and two sons.  I’ve tried to guide them (and now try to quit guiding…)  but it is they who have taught me.  I am in awe of how they’ve parented, managed their life circumstances and challenges, and I’m grateful.   I’m still in love with them and ever so amazed that God entrusted me with these three great souls.   I’m blessed.

Hi There Brooklyn!

GG and BB! I’m so blessed!

When they had babies – Oh My Goodness!  My four grandsons and three granddaughters are some of my greatest delights.  They are so much fun.  We’ve had so much fun.  And love.   Talk about memories – and did I say love…

And now there’s Brooklyn! My first great-grandchild was born two months ago.  She’s beautiful.  She’s alert, aware,

Aren't they beautiful!  They're Baby Brooklyns!

Aren’t they beautiful! They’re Baby Brooklyns!

exceptionally well coordinated and I’m sure she’s going to be a great athlete – it’s obvious already (smile).

It’s difficult to comprehend how quickly her mommy has grown from

Brooklyn and Mommy

Brooklyn and Mommy

a child to an attentive, deeply caring and beautiful mother.  It moves me to see her with a daughter – my precious great-granddaughter – and knowing a bit about the joy and pain that .lies ahead.

It was deeply touching to witness the obvious, lump-in-the-throat emotion when my son and daughter-in-law cradled their first grandchild while looking at each other.  I was so grateful that they opened their family and home totally to me on my first visit to meet Brooklyn and we bonded even more.  We shared knowing glances and understood the unspeakable joy of being “grands”.  No words were needed.

Can you even believe that beautiful little face.  You melt my heart, Brooklyn!

Can you even believe that beautiful little face. You melt my heart, Brooklyn!

I imagine our four generation picture is in your baby book now, Brooklyn. One day you’ll probably experience a similar day and then understand – the doting family who hovered and held you, looked at you in awe, touched you, cooed and sang, kissed and cuddled you – and prayed  and blessed you.  Our gift.  You’ve joined our family, Little Brooklyn,  and talk about being loved….

3/27/13 And now Precious Brooklyn!  You are growing and  such a joy!  Your intelligence and sense of humor are clear already.  You talk and talk.  You love, you explore, you grow.  You are still a little miracle, such a gift to our family and

I love kissing your little eyes, your little nose, your little soft neck!

I love kissing your little eyes, your little nose, your little soft neck!

the world.  You do now – and always will have a part of my heart that no  one else can every have – it’s just yours.  I love you beyond words!  You are so important and adored.

xoxo

GG