What am I doing with my life? I have a wonderful life but I’m not living my fullest life! I can’t use the excuse of not knowing my purpose – I know clearly.
I have a deep need, in fact a passion to “create”. A good part of my life I feel that I haven’t expressed myself – in many ways – that have been true to myself. I haven’t listened to, and accepted myself. I am constantly painting in my head, but have a difficult time getting myself to my easel. This has been going on for years – literally years! It’s a very real struggle for me.
Painting is one of my greatest joys and also a big old pain to me. I have so many ideas in my head. Why do I not just Do It!??! I’m not sure. I want to do a painting that makes a difference in the world but how will I ever accomplish that if I don’t paint it!!!
I don’t feel inspired. I feel that I want to paint in a different style than what I’ve been doing, have it in my head but start feeling lost before I get it on the canvas. A lot of times – many times – I am so excited about painting a particular idea that I can hardly wait to get started. Sometimes I get started, sometimes not – but my motivation and inspiration fizzles quickly. Sometimes I have an overwhelming rebellious response, sometimes anger, to my need to paint. I don’t understand it at all. I’ve journalled about it, ignored it, painted thru it, and prayed…..
I’ve had reasonable success with my art – it was used for several years in Portland Street of Dreams homes, had my own shop that went quite well, I’ve sold many paintings – people seem to enjoy some of my work. I am exhilerated while I’m painting and when I see the finished painting, I’m very let down and critical – painfully critical to the point that I get angry at myself for not translating what I have in my head. I know that means practice, experimenting, enjoying my journey. I know all of this in my head.
I’m beginning to think that maybe creating in my head is fulfilling in itself. But I also know that if I were to lose my sight or hands that I’d really regret not having painted my ideas.
Bottom line…I feel that I’m wasting a gift that I’ve been given.
I need to get over myself! Arrrrgggghh.
Is this that old “accepting myself” thing again……
I’ve developed a good walking habit – for my physical health. It’s working well. Today I begin a “creating” habit for my soul.
Today I will stand in front of my canvas with brush in hand and just paint.