Stopping the Pain


Notes from Stopping The Pain

Owning myself- owning my power.  Doing what the Creator put me here to do.

Just how great is my God?  The power of the divine in my life.  He is ALWAYS there.  It’s not a case of his coming to me, it’s about me opening myself to him in me – he’s there all of the time.  Every moment of every day and night.   Sometimes I use meditation to quiet myself and acknowledge his presence in me.  To me, it’s all about God.  In my life.  In me.  Recognizing the blessing in each moment.

What fear is holding me back.  What am I not forgiving?

“Until you heal the wounds of the past, you will continue to bleed”  Iylana

I’ve always had the power.  I know my purpose.

How would you fill in this sentences?  The pain I can’t get past is ….

Why It’s OK to put myself first..

10 Steps to Letting Go

Verbal Abuse – How To Save Yourself

When it comes to my  life, am I in pain?  Mentally, emotionally or spiritually.  Am I holding on to something in the past that causes me pain? P-A-I-N …Pay Attention Inward Now.    When we’re hurting inside, we usually reach outside to fix it.  So, when we’re reaching outward for a fix, pay attention to what is going on inside.   Bleeding means that my life force is leaking out.

Pain is not natural.  We usually mask it and call it something else.  We diminish it and talk it down,  When we have pain  we need to feel it, deal with it and heal it.   Feelings of inadequacy are major causes of pain.   Men  tend to feel inadequate.  Women tend to feel lack of self value and worth.

When you are a strong person, others don’t give you permission to bleed.  Do not allow others to dismiss, disregard, deny your pain.  Find someone who will listen – someone who hears you.

Iylana says…”Don’t get “stuck in Stupid”
When you see stupid coming, cross the street”

When we’re strong, many times we’re not being authentic…we tend to put others first.  How we treat ourselves is how we treat God so when we put ourselves last, we put God last.  I am the representative of God in my life.   We then put other people and other things ahead of God in our life.  Our life is different than our service.  We have to put God first in order to be able to be of service to others.  We want to be self-ful so that we are able to give to others.

A Course in Miracles says…”When we give to others to the degree that we sacrifice ourselves, we make the other person a thief.”  They don’t want to be and they dont even want to be.  We do both ourselves and the other person a dis-service.

Before we judge anyone else with addiction, acknowledge whether or not we struggle with our own addiction – any addiction – food, pleasing others, sex, alcohol, drugs, lying, shopping, addiction to our story? ….

Ask…Who would I be without my “story”, my addiction?  Our addictions keep us distracted from our greatness.  God wants nothing for us but our perfect happiness.  Wherever we are, God is right there.  Our perfect happiness is already here.

Quit telling your victim story…cold turkey stop!  No more.  Write your own tapes.  Rewrite your story.   Separate if  from your experience – don’t tell the story again.  Find the bottom line – ask what our heart needs to hear from someone else and tell it to us – ourselves.  Write our new story – make it nurturing, fulfilling, positive.  Positive!

If your thoughts are bringing you stress or sadness, change you thought – throw it out and think another thought.

How do we get unstuck and tell the truth.

1.  Tell the absolute truth about who you are, what you want, about what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do.  State the fact.  Speak the truth.  Reinvent yourself, re-define you story.   There is a distinct difference between stating the fact (I love BooBoo) and speaking the truth (BooBoo is a weasel).  State the facts, speak the truth.
2.  Ask for what you want.  Have the courage to ask for what you want, be willing to get a “no”.  But have a clear vision of what you’re going to do about it.
3.  Get a vision.

People stay stuck in the pain, stay stuck in bad relationships because they are not truthful.   They have a picture of what they want ‘It” to be instead of what it really is.  There is a difference between a picture (externally generated) and a vision (internally generated – brings joy).

Be truthful.  Be relentless in our truth.  In spite of any confrontation that it evokes.  Don’t engage in the confrontation.  Be gently strong in our truth.

Expectations cause us pain.   When we ask, we have a picture of what it will look like.   Identify what we really really want before we ask.  We can’t get what we want when we don’t know what we want.  Before we ask, dig deep and find out why we want what we’re asking for.   When we ask, we are given exactly what we should have.  Ask for what we want and then be grateful when we get it.  Everything within the process is exactly as it should be.   We are God’s hands and feet on this planet.  Shower our “answer” with God’s love.  Listen to God for direction.

Fatherless sons, Fatherless daughters have a big hole.  Love fills the hole.  God is love.  Let God fill the hole.

“You are never angry for the reason you think you are….there is an older hurt that hasn’t been dealt with.  Deal with it and the anger will be dealt with.”  Iyanla

Oprah’s Lifeclass Tour – Stopping the Pain

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Lesson 12: Holding On to the Past


Lesson 12: Holding On to the Past

Oprah believes that a universal issue for so many of us is that we are holding on to the hurt and pain of our past.  In this class, five sisters have been entrenched in a bitter feud for years and find ways to move on.  Getting on with the “now” can only be accomplished by letting go of the past.  Some insight from Oprah’s Lifeclass Lesson 12….
Aired: 10/25/2011
Today’s Question:  What memories of the past still dominate your thinking?  What do you need to let go of?

Oprah’s Lifeclass Notes:  Oprah says, “It’s not just letting go of the past, it’s all bigger than we can ever imagine.”  We all want a  better life.  How do we get there?  

Are we living in what could have, what should have, what we wished could have been?  Living in the past is one of the biggest detriments.

Five sisters’ relationship went from a simple misunderstanding to a full scale war.   The conflict was affecting the sisters emotionally, physically and spiritually.   When we see defensiveness, that person is in pain and needs love and acceptance.  It took a major tragedy – the loss of one sister’s son – to bring them to wake up.    18 years later the sisters reconciled.   Jackie’s oldest son was dying of AIDS and a sister, Vicki took him in.  In order for her to see her son, she had to be in Vicki’s home.   The reconciliation had begun.

When we resort to name-calling, it means that we are out of control and we’re using that to bring more value to ourselves.

The only person we ever have any control over is ourselves.  We have a choice in how we see the situation, or we can remove ourselves from the situation but we  cannot change the other person.

Whatever energy we are carrying from the past, we carry into the future and that energy colors everything we do and experience.  It blocks us from being all that we were meant to be.

Forgiving is necessary to let go of the past.  It doesn’t mean that we say “it’s ok”.  Forgiveness is acceptance, not approval.

All of life is about “waking up”.

When the Oprah Show first started talking about men having affairs, women in the audience were adament that they would never put up with it, they would leave.  That attitude gradually changed over the next few years – in the 90’s.   Oprah says that she has discovered that men don’t cheat because of someone who is more attractive, smarter or…. He cheats because of how another person makes him feel.

In 2008, Psychiatrist Gary Newman, found that men cheat because they feel underappreciated, unimportant, not admired.  Men want to feel valued.

Unless the other man (or woman)  completely understands and expresses remorse for what they have done, it’s very difficult for the betrayed person to get over it.   Both parties need to sit down and talk about it openly.  Give yourself permission to deal with the issue.  It takes time to build trust again.

Not everyone can get over an affair.  You need to decide for yourself  if you can or can’t get over an affair.  If you decide that you can – then really get over it.  Deal with it and let it go.  You have to deal with the past or it will continue to show up in your relationships, your health, in every aspect of your life. If you can’t get over the affair, then move on from the relationship.  Don’t live in between.  There needs to be emotional closure.

On losing a loved one…with Gary Zukav… Oprah says…It’s not just about letting go of the past.  It’s about the ultimate lesson for us as human beings.  I am not my body, I am not my circumstances, I am not what everything looks like.  I really am a higher level of being and consciousness that is a soul.  My personality is not my soul.  My personality is here to serve my soul”.

We, our lives, are bigger than what it looks like.

A couple lost a new preterm baby, a twin.  They were both born perfect but on the third day after their birth, Ryan had a brain bleed.  He could not save the baby.  The parents went into a tailspin, were having a difficult time not letting this tragedy take over in their lives.

Gary Zukav counsels -“Look at Ryan as a soul, like everyone on this earth, that left this earth when it chose, then you will have a different perspective.  You will be able to see the gifts that this soul gave you during it’s short stay on this earth.  You will reach a place in your life where you are grateful that this soul chose to be with you for however short a time.  If you do not, you will live your life feeling that a tragedy has occurred.  Whenever you see your other son growing up, you will say Ryan should be here.  You will be placing a burden on your other son, the twin, because no matter what he does, what he accomplishes, he will be causing Mommy pain.  If you look at Ryan as a great soul who voluntarily entered the earth school and voluntarily left it in, you will begin to fathom and appreciate the interaction that you had with that soul and you will be able to receive the gifts that this soul came to earth to give to you and your family.  And if you do not, then you will continue to be turning away from those gifts.  You will be denying the very wealth of wisdom and compassion that was offered to you by this soul. ”  The soul is a great deal more than just a personality.  Interact soul-to-soul.  Recognize the power of the soul.

Many others were impacted by this story.

Oprah says that this story gives us a glimpse a notion that you are bigger than your body and your personality.   Oprah called this a holy moment in the room that day.   Oprah says it reminds her to stop and and think about her own soul and everyone around her, causes her to just for a moment to disconnect from the egos and personalities around her,  and to recognize that it is all bigger than we can ever imagine.

“You are not your circumstances.  You are a higher level of being and consciousness that is a soul.”  If we think life is only what we can see, then we are missing the whole point.

Oprah encourages us…”When you lose somebody in the physical form, the formless becomes an angel that you know”.

“Life is much bigger than just a body.  When you are grieving over the loss of a loved one…sense the presence of their soul, which is always with you, instead of the personality that is gone.”

Oprah quoting Iyanla Vanzant…”You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people.  But until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life.  You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick you hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.”

Oprah says…”The sooner we can let go of the past, the sooner we can get on with the “now”, our daily life.  If we don’t let it go, it becomes a wall, a barrier, and it prevents us from the vibrancy, the aliveness, the glory that our life should be. ”

Oprah’s Lifeclass
Oprah’s Lifeclass Lesson 12: Holding on to the past
Oprah’s Webcast Lesson 12: Holding on to the past
Oprah’s Lifeclass Notes
Today’s Lifeclass Question

You Are Enough!


Dear Daughter…

I am so grateful for our relationship…our freedom to speak our truth to each other…the acceptance…the understanding and support.  Both ways.  I hope you feel my love as deeply as I feel yours.

I understand your pain.  Probably better to say that I know how I felt when I was in your circumstances.  I’ve been there.  Divorce is brutal.  And the things that lead to divorce are devastating.

I am so proud of you and how you’re handling and learning.  How you’re making a conscious decision to help your sons through this – and consistently following thru with that decision.

In spite of the pain, I can’t help but feel joy at your growth- and for the outcome of all of this – no matter what it is.   I have to say I’m pretty amazed when I see your resolve, your mission to go through this with unconditional love for your husband, even when he’s making some very painful choices for all of you.  I’ve watch how you process events, and consistently keep from “reacting”.  The time you take to get yourself back so that you can respond in a loving way.  That is strength! I’m learning from you.  And so are others.

Yesterday when we were talking on the phone and I heard you questioning your appearance, who you are, your worth…well, that’s what I want to put in writing and hopefully you’ll re-read it when you find yourself questioning.

This is my truth to you

  • You ARE enough.   There is absolutely nothing more that you need to be.
  • I’m glad you’re considered “very attractive” physically.   However, in the “looks” department, there is always someone more beautiful, cuter, whatever…it’s a futile exercise, this comparison thing.  And it’s truly “in the eye of the beholder” anyway.  EVERYONE has something beautiful about them if we look for it.  He has chosen a younger gal, someone you consider “really cute” and I understand how devastating that is.  It would be a blow to any wife’s self-esteem.   Finding our way thru midlife can be a precarious journey for some.  Please just remember not to measure your self-worth by his behavior.  He’s admittedly very depressed, feeling very low about himself and his decisions.   Say “Stop it!” to your thoughts when you have a moment of measuring your worth by his actions.  Concentrate on what you know about yourself.   Lean on the rest of us during those times.   We’ll remind you of your “greatness” when you temporarily forget.  That’s what family and friends are for.  You are surrounded by many of us who see you clearly.  And like what we see.  Screw him!  Woops!
  • You are intelligent, kind, funny and such fun to be with.  You have a wonderful positive energy that lights up any room that you enter!  Look at the friends that surround you, the kind of people and clients that you attract.  That is a direct reflection of who you are.  Your business success attests to your integrity, caring and expertise in your career.   Your relationships with your sons and the rest of your family says everything about you.
  • You’ve been a joyous little spirit since the day you were conceived – since you were a mere flutter in me belly!   You’ve always been curious and full of adventure.  Through all of this pain you’ve been open to learning and growth.   You’ll get your joy and thrill of adventure back.  It’s who you are so no one can take any of these things away from you.
  • Remember how God has opened paths and doors that gave you such definite direction during this most difficult period of your life.  Remember your real boulder.  And all of the other rocks that are there for you anytime you need them.  And how much they care.
  • You are important -in fact vital – to me – and the universe.
  • You will have joy again.  You have a wonderful happy life ahead of you – full of love.

I’m so very grateful for you! And I love you deeply,

Mom

What Does It Mean, Anyway?


So many Oprah shows featuring forgiveness… so many touching lessons.  I can’t even imagine that people survive some of their circumstances, let alone forgive the perpetrators who have caused them so much pain – the drunk drivers, the molesters, those who did dreadful things to others while using drugs, the murderers….

I’m a PK –  Preacher’s Kid, grew up in a small town in Oregon.  My parents were divorced – a sad, ugly divorce (aren’t they all!), the talk of our small town.  My father married my mother’s best friend following their divorce.  And yes, I have trust issues – another story.  Needless to say, there was a lot of anger, pain and a huge need for forgiveness – over and over again, and for many years.  What did forgiveness mean?  What would I have to give up if I were to forgive.

My first marriage failed – for some very valid reasons.  How could I ever forgive my ex for some of the things he did.  How could I ever forgive myself?    What did forgiveness even mean?  I didn’t know.   I made so many mistakes raising my children.  How could they ever forgive me?  How could I forgive myself when I realized my mistakes.  Painful, very painful.

I’m 71 years old and over the years I’ve needed to forgive and ask for forgiveness, many times.  But what does forgiveness really mean anyway?

Somewhere along the way, I learned that forgiveness does not mean I’m excusing the person or the incident – saying it was OK, it means  letting go, letting God, not holding a grudge, keeping my boundaries but not building up walls.   It means not trying to punish myself or someone else.  Letting go of blame.

I learned from Oprah’s guest that forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past will ever be different – acceptance?  Acknowledging and releasing?   Yes!  To me, part of forgiveness is releasing fear – fear that the same thing will happen again.   I can learn a lesson from the experience and not allow it to happen again.  I know better.

My mantra is “When I know better, I do better”.   Maya Angelou.  I just love her.

Expectations! Lost Opportunities! Oh Really?


My lovingly awaited great-granddaughter was born three days ago.  I have adored her as my “hoped for great-grandchild” even before she was conceived and my love for her has grown stronger each day.  When I heard she was here, I was in a crescendo of love and emotion.  I was in tears of joy on the way to the hospital.  I couldn’t wait to hold her, bless her, sing and coo to her, feel her little body in my arms and kiss her little neck and eyelids.  And see my son hold his first granddaughter.

Expectations and assumptions.

The Before Story….I was surprised that none of us were allowed to hold her.  Her Mommy didn’t want to share her with any of us yet.  I’ve never encountered that so it wasn’t even in my frame of reference.  Surprise didn’t come as much from expectations as past experiences.  Ellie – my daughter, and Sara – Mommy’s Sister and Sydneys Godmother – were beside themselves with joy as well.  Just before we had to leave, Mommy’s Sister ask if she could hold her new Goddaughter and was given a definite “No” by Mommy.  I saw Mommy’s Sister’s face and my heart ached for her and I forgot my own disappointment.  My two granddaughters’ ‘Nother Mother” – Ellie, Sara and I met later and talked for a couple of hours, expressing our disappointment, pain and yes, frustration.   We decided the moment had passed but there could be another.

After conversation over a glass of wine…I accepted Mommy’s decision.  It wasn’t that Mommy didn’t want to share – it was simply that she wanted to bond with her own daughter – her first chance since she was born!!   When I got my wits about me, I knew, of course, that it was as it should be.   I chuckled at my immature self – at 71!

My great-granddaughter is three days old now and timing has still prevented me from holding her.  I went back to the hospital the night of her birth but nurses were doing their duties and Sydney was fussy.  I know her Mommy was exhausted, had four hours of sleep in 48 hours, plus birthing a child.  She was apologetic and sensitive about the delay in getting to hold Sydney.   I understand all of that.  But I’m still so anxious to hold her!  For the moment it was really enough seeing them all tonight for a short visit.  I was filled with joy.  Sydney Sue was a reality and that sated me.

OK, Oh Mature Adult One!  Quick!  What have I learned?

What am I feeling?  First of all, I realize that I have some innate expectation of being honored as the great-grandmother.  Logical or not, I assumed I’d  get to hold her,  snuggle her and share my joy.   Timing.  I feel honored to get to share the unspoken joy of the moment with all of our family – this moment of new  life.     I will hold her soon, of course.   I love her and welcome her.   I love and adore her Mommy too, my precious granddaughter.  I honor her as a new mother.

Even though relieved, joyous, all of the emotions of having a new life in her life, my granddaughter is appearing a bit overwhelmed, she’s almost certainly struggling with many things – she seems pretty depressed and who would not be with so little sleep.  But she has absolutely no confusion about her role as a new mother and her love for her baby.   I remember those feelings – confusing mixtures of emotions.    It’s an intense time – for her as a new mother.

She’s now in the sisterhood of child-bearer.  I can’t wait for our closeness to manifest itself with that lingering eye contact between my granddaughter and I that says it all – that “we know” the meaning of this moment, even if we don’t have words to speak it.  That we are connecting and acknowledging our love for each other, this new life and in that, all mothers, children and life.

I honor my granddaughter’s choices – whatever they are.  She has every right to live her life and “mother” as she wishes.  She has wonderful hopes, guidelines and plans to be the best mother she can be.  And I’m absolutely sure she will be.  I’m grateful that she is being true to herself and had the courage to care for her needs and feelings.  She has “Mommy Rights”.

Flexibility, patience, 71-year-old grasshopper!

Update – My new great-granddaughter is now four days old.   My granddaughter texted to invite me to visit them.  They’re home, settled in, comfortable and so ready to share the joy.  I’m there!

I was so grateful for all I’ve learned from this new life already.  I was able to look beyond myself, feel my feelings and finally accept that although I totally understand my granddaughters decisions – got over myself and thought of my Beloved Granddaughter –  when I got out of my emotion and became “conscious” – that I could also  acknowledge my own feelings  about it and understand them.   One really has nothing to do with the other – honoring and validating others feelings doesn’t  mean devaluing or dishonoring my own feelings.

And, by the way, I felt my granddaughter and I  had a moment of  eye contact, the “knowing”, the love that could never be expressed in words.

I’m so very grateful!

PS:  Maybe this is why I missed O You?  I so wanted to be there, But!  If I’d had to choose –  my time with my new great-granddaughter and her family?

Yes, I now get it.   And I’m so happy!