My Son – My Prayer


Thanksgiving Day 2015

Rich is still with us and we have that and much more to be grateful for!  He’s having more issues, was in the hospital for 2 days but discharged and was seen at Compass Oncology yesterday.  His daughter and granddaughter arrive today to visit for a few days.  His sons and their families will be here December 3 and we’ll have our Christmas then.  The tree goes up today and we’re looking forward to a precious family day.

I hope that for all of you as well.

Thank you so much for all of your support, prayers, wonderful notes and for sharing the link. We appreciate all of you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

Rich, Brooklyn and Silas

Rich, Brooklyn and Silas Please share this link – help make it go viral! Thank you! https://www.gofundme.com/RichardHart

After a sleepless night of praying, sending good energy and healing to my son, vacillating between shock, numbness, deep grief and yes, fear, I’m writing…my therapy and release.

I’ve read Michael Singer’s book, The Surrender Experience and trying to understand and put into practice what I’m learning.   I don’t want this extremely painful lesson in surrender.

For almost 9 years now, my 54-year-old son has been in unrelenting pain in his back and leg from an unfortunate accident when he was in his early 20’s and a back surgery that increased his problems rather  than helping.   He has been on some pretty heavy pain and anti-inflammatory drugs and for most of this time has tried to get off of them, unsuccessfully.

He’s lived 4 years of his greatest happiness – and reason to keep going – with his granddaughter, and a month ago, a precious little grandson, Silas.   Along with the joy of having Brooklyn in his life, he’s lived with the worst stress for the same four years because of an ongoing custody battle in a very corrupt and expensive court system.  It has taken its toll on every level of his life.

Two weeks ago, he called saying he had been in the Emergency Room with stroke symptoms, stroke being a side-effect of two of the medications he is on.    He had lost feeling in his entire right side, from the top of his head to the tips of his toes.  Although he had lost sensation on his right side and the vision in one eye was blurred when he looked to the side, his pain increased.  He had tried to go off one of his meds and when he restarted it, the symptoms decreased somewhat but didn’t disappear.  The exact scenario repeated a week later with another trip to the ER.  CT and other tests ruled out stroke and he was again released.

Yesterday, he called and said he was going to the ER again for an MRI because the symptoms were getting worse.  He said not to worry, it was the same thing as before but his doctor said he needed to be checked. As the afternoon progressed,  I got a call from his son saying that a CT had shown a very large mass on the left lobe of his brain.  Hours later, he was told it is an inoperable brain tumor, fast growing.

My mantra is – where there’s a will there’s a way.  He lives in another State and I’ll be traveling to be with him.  Rationally I know it’s not possible for me to fix this one but my heart says I must try.  Our family first-line remedies are food and prayer.  I’ve prayed all night.  If I believe what I say I believe – every thought is a prayer, I feel the need to stay positive and send only good energy.  I want to jump in the car and drive but it would take longer to get there than to fly out tomorrow.  I can hardly wait to be with him, make bone broth and green veggie smoothies for him….fill him with organic greens, grass-fed meats, free range eggs….. and on the other hand, I almost cannot stand the thought of seeing him in fear, pain, and knowing that without a miracle, his beautiful soul will be shedding this battered body.  I am struggling…really struggling.

My mind says this is happening and I can choose how I want to be, so be grateful and joyful that I’ve had all of my years with him.  But right now I feel helpless and what in the world can I do to help him and whatever will I do without his phone calls and texts, his wonderful love notes…..my heart is aching.  I think of several close friends and family who have lost children, a 3-year-old niece included, and wonder how their families survived.

I’ve had emotional conversations with my husband, my two sisters and with my other son and daughter who live near me. My daughter and I talked into the late evening hours,  a wonderful conversation, making decisions about how we want to navigate our part in Rich’s journey.  If this is truly happening,  if we’re going to lose Rich, we want to respect and support him in his transition back to God, be joyful and grateful, loving and appreciative of having his important soul in our lives for all of these years.

Right now those are just words that we’re trying desperately to connect to and believe – and live.

Right now, I’m in anguish and resistance and look forward to some respite – some moments of feeling numb and not comprehending that this is really happening to my precious son.

I’m still hoping there has been a mistake and this is just a bad dream…..

Please pray for us…and all who are going thru this and worse.  Please send strength, guidance, peace and healing to all who are in need.

God, please help me know what to say and do, how to make it through this….I want to truly trust, be able to love and support him through his last adventure here on earth.  I held my son when he entered this world and I will be honored to hold him when he transitions.  Just like when he was a kid and got scrapes on his knees..I will hug him and tell him he is OK…all is well…you are loved deeply…We’re here with you, Son…God is with you.  We won’t forget you.  You’ll be so deeply missed.  I’m so blessed to have you in my life and you will continue to be for as long as I live.

Thank you, God, that we have your peace and your comforting presence throughout his transition.

Morning is finally here!  Somehow things seem a little easier with morning light.  For a few moments at least…

I’m sending this out in hopes that collective good energy in thoughts and prayers from so many will help during this time.  Thank you!!

 

11/6/15 Update

Seems like another life ago since my life was normal and it has only been about 3 weeks.  After a week with him in the Hospital, I brought he and  his wife home with me to Washington State and we’re on a new adventure.  He was diagnosed with Stage IV Glioblastoma multiformae.  We are still trying to comprehend the speed of this aggressive nasty cancer.   He’s being seen at OHSU in Portland, by a Naturopathic Oncologist and a Nutritionist in Texas, Nutritional Solutions, who specializes in brain tumors.  We’re doing all we can and very hopeful to prolong his life and make it best quality possible.

Thank you so much for your continued prayers and thoughts!

Sharon

Please share the link below – help make it go viral.  Thanks!

https://www.gofundme.com/RichardHart

 

11/16/15 Update

This is a precious time with my son.  He went to live with his father when he was early teens and I missed him so much.  We lived near each other and he was back and forth but I missed the constancy and the little things that happen each day.

Today while he was sleeping, I was sitting nearby and sending love and healing, visualizing the tumor being eaten away by big mouths, visualizing a healthy brain free of cancer, a healing light aimed at the tumor and shrinking it.

It brought back precious memories of when he was a sleeping baby, toddler, and seeing him in his little league baseball uniform.  He made the All-Star Team and really was a little star.  Visions rush through my mind.  I loved to smell his head, his neck, his pillow. I still do.

His right side is now useless and my husband, his wife and I help him up and down the stairs each day – he’s still able to make it.  His son, Calvin, was here for a few days to visit with him and it was difficult on Rich seeing him leave – and difficult for Calvin to leave his Dad.

FullSizeRender

Rich  had a very low energy day but we’re so grateful for today.  Thank all of you for your wonderful notes, prayers, healing thoughts and support.  Every day that we have him with us is a wonderful day!

 

 

 

 

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The Sounds of Freedom


Our weeks in San Clemente  – our winter get-away from the Pacific Northwest rain – have again been the wonderful!  We’ve done all of our favorite things, eaten at our favorite restaurants, spent time on the beach, visited with friends and relatives.

Courtesy of Military.com

Tradition is that every year,  we ride through Camp Pendleton.  It’s an emotional experience for me.   We pass about 40-50 young soldiers in uniform and with huge backpacks, running.   Obviously they’re training for what is in their future.  I know they’ll be as well-trained as possible for what they will possibly encounter, but I wonder –  how can anyone ever be prepared…or comprehend?

I experience so many feelings that it’s almost impossible to identify all of them.

I feel pride – these young men and women are dedicated and committed.

I’m fearful.  For them.  I want to protect them.  They are so young and they have put their lives in the hands of total strangers who will rule their lives, their minds,  for this period of time in the Military.   They have agreed…no, committed themselves to a cause.   Did they think it over carefully?  Did they have good counsel?   I look at them and wonder what motivated them to sign the dotted line.  I wonder if they’re at peace with their decision.

We watched a program on TV last night about the Military, a documentary.  Statistics indicate that over 10,000 men and women in the Military have committed suicide!   This loss of life is higher than combat casualties at this point.  That is beyond tragic.   My heart aches for all of these young people who felt so trapped, unhappy, fearful….whatever their feelings of hopelessness…so intensely that they would end their life!  My heart aches for the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children, wives…all who loved them.

In the weeks that we’ve been here in San Clemente, three marines were killed in an auto accident a few miles away in Dana Point.  The fourth man is in critical condition.  Seven marines were killed in a mid air collision, some from the Camp.  Another marine was shot by the police in San Clemente.  That is under investigation.   There is sadness and a pall over many here.  These men and women are felt to be part of this community.

I feel excitement for the men and women who feel that this is their true calling…those who are happy with their decision…I’m happy for their adventure.  I’m happy if they’re fulfilled in some deep way.   And I know of some who feel that way.

Camp Pendleton is an enormous area.  Enormous!  It’s a city.   A busy city.   It includes 17 miles of coastline and extends inland for miles.  We are in San Clemente, across the street from the north boundary of the Camp.   The view across the road is beautiful, a panoramic view of hills, almost the size of mountains.  It appears to be just another beautiful view.  Until we hear, faintly and in the distance, revelry.  During the day – and at night – we  occasionally hear the whirring sound of helicopters on maneuver.  We hear planes.  And cannons.  Sometimes so loud that they can be felt.

When I notice those sounds – the sounds of freedom, and the sights, I feel compassion for those that are caught in the actual, the reality.  War.  I just hate it!  But I love these men and women.

I’m so grateful to them.  And grateful to all who love them.  I’m praying…

Let me be the change I want to see.  Let peace begin with me.

Lesson 12: Holding On to the Past


Lesson 12: Holding On to the Past

Oprah believes that a universal issue for so many of us is that we are holding on to the hurt and pain of our past.  In this class, five sisters have been entrenched in a bitter feud for years and find ways to move on.  Getting on with the “now” can only be accomplished by letting go of the past.  Some insight from Oprah’s Lifeclass Lesson 12….
Aired: 10/25/2011
Today’s Question:  What memories of the past still dominate your thinking?  What do you need to let go of?

Oprah’s Lifeclass Notes:  Oprah says, “It’s not just letting go of the past, it’s all bigger than we can ever imagine.”  We all want a  better life.  How do we get there?  

Are we living in what could have, what should have, what we wished could have been?  Living in the past is one of the biggest detriments.

Five sisters’ relationship went from a simple misunderstanding to a full scale war.   The conflict was affecting the sisters emotionally, physically and spiritually.   When we see defensiveness, that person is in pain and needs love and acceptance.  It took a major tragedy – the loss of one sister’s son – to bring them to wake up.    18 years later the sisters reconciled.   Jackie’s oldest son was dying of AIDS and a sister, Vicki took him in.  In order for her to see her son, she had to be in Vicki’s home.   The reconciliation had begun.

When we resort to name-calling, it means that we are out of control and we’re using that to bring more value to ourselves.

The only person we ever have any control over is ourselves.  We have a choice in how we see the situation, or we can remove ourselves from the situation but we  cannot change the other person.

Whatever energy we are carrying from the past, we carry into the future and that energy colors everything we do and experience.  It blocks us from being all that we were meant to be.

Forgiving is necessary to let go of the past.  It doesn’t mean that we say “it’s ok”.  Forgiveness is acceptance, not approval.

All of life is about “waking up”.

When the Oprah Show first started talking about men having affairs, women in the audience were adament that they would never put up with it, they would leave.  That attitude gradually changed over the next few years – in the 90’s.   Oprah says that she has discovered that men don’t cheat because of someone who is more attractive, smarter or…. He cheats because of how another person makes him feel.

In 2008, Psychiatrist Gary Newman, found that men cheat because they feel underappreciated, unimportant, not admired.  Men want to feel valued.

Unless the other man (or woman)  completely understands and expresses remorse for what they have done, it’s very difficult for the betrayed person to get over it.   Both parties need to sit down and talk about it openly.  Give yourself permission to deal with the issue.  It takes time to build trust again.

Not everyone can get over an affair.  You need to decide for yourself  if you can or can’t get over an affair.  If you decide that you can – then really get over it.  Deal with it and let it go.  You have to deal with the past or it will continue to show up in your relationships, your health, in every aspect of your life. If you can’t get over the affair, then move on from the relationship.  Don’t live in between.  There needs to be emotional closure.

On losing a loved one…with Gary Zukav… Oprah says…It’s not just about letting go of the past.  It’s about the ultimate lesson for us as human beings.  I am not my body, I am not my circumstances, I am not what everything looks like.  I really am a higher level of being and consciousness that is a soul.  My personality is not my soul.  My personality is here to serve my soul”.

We, our lives, are bigger than what it looks like.

A couple lost a new preterm baby, a twin.  They were both born perfect but on the third day after their birth, Ryan had a brain bleed.  He could not save the baby.  The parents went into a tailspin, were having a difficult time not letting this tragedy take over in their lives.

Gary Zukav counsels -“Look at Ryan as a soul, like everyone on this earth, that left this earth when it chose, then you will have a different perspective.  You will be able to see the gifts that this soul gave you during it’s short stay on this earth.  You will reach a place in your life where you are grateful that this soul chose to be with you for however short a time.  If you do not, you will live your life feeling that a tragedy has occurred.  Whenever you see your other son growing up, you will say Ryan should be here.  You will be placing a burden on your other son, the twin, because no matter what he does, what he accomplishes, he will be causing Mommy pain.  If you look at Ryan as a great soul who voluntarily entered the earth school and voluntarily left it in, you will begin to fathom and appreciate the interaction that you had with that soul and you will be able to receive the gifts that this soul came to earth to give to you and your family.  And if you do not, then you will continue to be turning away from those gifts.  You will be denying the very wealth of wisdom and compassion that was offered to you by this soul. ”  The soul is a great deal more than just a personality.  Interact soul-to-soul.  Recognize the power of the soul.

Many others were impacted by this story.

Oprah says that this story gives us a glimpse a notion that you are bigger than your body and your personality.   Oprah called this a holy moment in the room that day.   Oprah says it reminds her to stop and and think about her own soul and everyone around her, causes her to just for a moment to disconnect from the egos and personalities around her,  and to recognize that it is all bigger than we can ever imagine.

“You are not your circumstances.  You are a higher level of being and consciousness that is a soul.”  If we think life is only what we can see, then we are missing the whole point.

Oprah encourages us…”When you lose somebody in the physical form, the formless becomes an angel that you know”.

“Life is much bigger than just a body.  When you are grieving over the loss of a loved one…sense the presence of their soul, which is always with you, instead of the personality that is gone.”

Oprah quoting Iyanla Vanzant…”You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people.  But until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life.  You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick you hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.”

Oprah says…”The sooner we can let go of the past, the sooner we can get on with the “now”, our daily life.  If we don’t let it go, it becomes a wall, a barrier, and it prevents us from the vibrancy, the aliveness, the glory that our life should be. ”

Oprah’s Lifeclass
Oprah’s Lifeclass Lesson 12: Holding on to the past
Oprah’s Webcast Lesson 12: Holding on to the past
Oprah’s Lifeclass Notes
Today’s Lifeclass Question

My Life Class Notes


There are two emotions – Love and Fear
Anger is really a manifestation of fear…
Fear of losing the love of someone – rejection
Fear of being powerless or helpless, hopeless, vulnerable (maintain control) – fear of being unsafe
Fear of losing control – of self, others, how, when and where it will happen
Fear of not being seen as valuable, necessary
Anger – never angry for the reason I think I am.  I’m not born with anger in me.  helpless, hopeless, vulnerable event happened that impressed my soul.  Stirs up anger.  When anger is triggered, the trigger is simply reminding me that there is something down there that I need to deal with.
Anger is the easy way out – when I’m angry I get the control.  Anger is the #1 addiction.  Right below the anger is a world of hurt.  It’s easier to stay in the anger than to go deeper and deal with the hurt.
You can accept or reject the way you’re treated by other people but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed.  You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life.   You must find the strength to open the wound,  you must stick your  hand inside, pull out the core of the pain, the memory, and make peace with it.
Spirituality – the most real part of me.  My connection to the knowing that no matter what happens, I will be all right.  The knowing that everything that happens in my life is bringing to my purpose, the real me.  Live in openness to what is.  With that openness, a far greater power comes into my life.  Inner stillness – out of this comes aliveness, joy, creativity.  I become rooted in the aliveness and fullness of the present moment.
Spirituality has to be practiced.  We must stop, take a breath, become still inside – the act of meditation and contemplation.  Be in nature, connect with the arts, and connect with ritual.  Moments of serenity, stillness is when we experience something much larger, transcendic than what we are.   Meditate – go into the stillness of my soul.  Breathe.  Look for the message in every problem.  Don’t fight them, ask them – what are you here to teach me?   Share my spiritual path with others.  Find others that are like-minded.  There is nothing out of order with me.  Everything is happening for a reason.  I’m growing closer to spirit.  Pay attention to my life – it’s teaching me.  Listen.  Get clear, still and listen to my soul.   Tap into my best life.  Stillness is my religion.  Stillness is when I can connect.
Meditation – sit and smile.  Smile in my organs, in my arteries and blood vessels.
I understand that everyone I meet is sent to me as a teacher.
I need a shift in the way I look at life – that’s all.  When I discover the world around me, I also discover the world within me.
My inner journey
1.  Ask myself and journal – What do I really, really, really want?  Every day.  The answer will come
2.  Write the happiest moment of the day every night.  Learn it, study it.  Keep it in a happiness journal
3.  Refine my mantra.  Whatever I’m repeating consistently in my mind is my mantra.  If it isn’t working for me – I need to
     choose another mantra.
Entrances are everywhere.  There are accesses to God in all sorts of situations – be alert.  Find a tiny corner of my life for stillness when I can connect and ask questions.
I need to stop wearing my wishbone where my backbone ought to be!
When I experience a truth, I don’t need to experience it again, I know it and I carry it with me.
When we help, we heal.  Find a way to be of service.
Selfishness – beneficial to myself.    Am I being cruel, greedy and hoarding?  If not, do it.
Happiness – the people around me, a state of mind, love, share
What makes me feel good?  Am I missing pleasure?  Am I missing devotion?
I’m the hero of my own life’s journey.  This is my life and I write my own story.  No one else gets to write it – just me.  I get to be who I am.   Does my life look like me?
“I don’t know” is a legitimate answer.  I’m allowed to ask for as much time as I need until I do know.  If they aren’t able to give that time, they’re allowed to leave.
Write to myself as though I were a best friend.  Write out my questions.  Answer myself as a friend.   Listen to it, believe and lean on it.
Newton’s Third Law – For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Cause and effect.
The energy of emotions and  thoughts are frequencies of energy that always come back to us.
Every action we take creates a reaction in the world.  The sum of all those reactions is what we call our life.
The energy I generate creates my life.
Intention always determines what the effect will be.
Love changes everything.  It heals.
If I ask for courage, God doesn’t Zap me with courage.  I get the opportunity to be courageous.
Listen to the whisper.  Don’t wait for the brick to fall on our heads.
Whatever I need to be the greatest force for good…. bring it on!   If it’s a lesson I need to learn, I want the lesson.
Separate myself from negative people and negative thoughts.  Period!  I will not allow them in my life.
If this is in the best interests of me and those around me, then please let it happen.
Who do I want to BE in the world?  what kind of person do I want to be remembered as?   I want my love to effect others.
If I can’t do “it” with love, I won’t do it.  I can either decide to do it with love, or I need not do it.  Before I take any action, I need to clarify my intentions and make sure they are good.  Then good will be returned to me.
The people that I have in my life reflect who I am.
What am I doing to create and attract negativity?
Appreciate the ordinary
Acknowledging my mortality motivates me to live my life more fully.  My days are gold and I use them wisely and fully.
Do You hear me?
I see you
Do my eyes light up when I see…..?
God made me and made sure I am enough!
I no longer think that its possible for other people to hurt me. They’re just giving me their observation and I’m giving it meaning so I get to choose what that meaning is.
If I think I need it, that’s ego. I already have everything I need. The way I know I don’t need it is when I don’t get it.

Am I defined about what other people say? Does it determine how I feel?

When I receive criticism, they could be right.

Does I love you equals I’ll trade you?

Is this a business contract or do I really love you?

I’m happier when I love you – whether or not you love me. It matters not – whether or not you paricipate.

Just the fact that I’m here makes me “worthy”.

Fear is always involved in big egos – there lies our deepest fears.

Will I be sorry that I let this opportunity to pass? Even if I don’t succeed, do I want to give it my best and see? Is it the most meaningful, fulfilling direction?

What is the fullest expression of myself as a human being. What am I meant to do here on Planet Earth?

What would I do if I weren’t afraid? What does fear feel like?

As Maya Angelou explains, people know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.
Feelings buried alive don’t die. They stink and re-emerge
What would I do if I had no fear? Do it anyway. That’s courage. Be it!
What is my life worth?
Is this the fullest of expession of me?
When I hear criticism – they could be right. It’s their view of me.
Give up resistent to life. Go with it.
When I think I need it from “out there” – that’s addiction.The way I know I don’t need it is when I don’t get it.
Ego is anything that I think I need that I don’t have. I already have everything I need.
Oprahs lifeclass Notes
Oprahs class
Oprahs Super Soul Sunday

A Life and Death “Aha” Moment – No Words Can Express – Thank You Though!


This is such a long story about my “Aha Moment” but I have to write it – I’m 71 years old right now and I’ve lived with this for many, many years.  I’ll never be able to express enough gratitude for this one – to Oprah, Eckhart Tolle, my husband, and many, many others who shared their stories.   Now I’m sharing mine.

I feel my lack of self-value started in my early childhood.  One of my most painful memories is my Mom taking me for a ride and then blowing my mind.  She told me that my Dad never wanted me, that I had been terrified of him and all other men from the time I was a baby up until ….  I could feel myself shrinking down and slumping in the passenger seat of our Chevy.  I felt deep shame and made a vow that I would be even more invisible and less bother – to everyone.  Except my sister.  Of course, I was devastated and wrote a long long entry in my diary that extended to additional notebook paper.

Next chapter.  Sometime later, no idea how long, but my Dad read my diary and he was very emotional with a generous dose of anger  – now I know it was at my Mom, but it sounded like it was me –  when he told me his story.  I didn’t ask for it, was extremely uncomfortable and ended up being sad for him.   He sobbed as he told me that it was not me that he didn’t want, it was another child.   I was born in 1940, he had been suffering pretty indescribable needs during that time, took old broken frames from the factory where he worked, repaired and made them beautiful, and sold them.  Sometimes he and Mom sold honey and Mom’s homemade jams door-to-door to make a living.  Although it was from a child’s experience and frame-of-reference, I kind of understood that they lived in pretty dire circumstances.  He was feeling great weight and a lot of anger, raising 3 young children during the depression and here comes a fourth!  I  doubt that he told me then, but I clearly knew he had made it clear to Mom that he wanted no more children but that she continued to want more children.  (Like he had no part it in!!).

Anyway, he told me that I was a very colicky baby, had difficulty sleeping and he would be up all night with me, rocking or walking me, and then have to go to work in the morning.   I felt like even more of a burden by this time.  I certainly didn’t feel better.   Plus I felt responsible for his lack of sleep, eating more food that he could manage to provide, and on and on.  I was pre-teen when this drama played out.

He did end up telling me that I gave him great pleasure with my piano playing and that he was glad that I had been born.  I highly doubted that for some reason.

During my school years, when I had to ask dad for paper money, pencils, etc. – which I probably did abuse – (I ask for very little but even then at some level knew I was testing to see if he loved me enough to give me something I ask for).  It was torture.  He groaned, looked disgusted and grudgingly would reach into his pocket to deliver the nickle, dime, quarter – whatever it was at that time.  I was looking for love.

As I’m writing, I’m realizing even more about my AHA Moment that I had yesterday.  I realize how I’ve measured my value by my success, external things.  Wonder where I started that pattern!!  Wow, as I deal with this issue, I’m sure I’ll make some major changes in my life in yet another direction.

Back to my AHA Moment – At sometime in my youth, I had vowed that I would never be in a position to have to ask anyone for anything.  That if I couldn’t get it myself, I’d do without.  That has not exactly been my experience – but it certainly has been my vow.  At some point, I also added this to the equation – that if I could not afford to take care of myself, if I were to ever become dependent physically or financially on anyone, I would die.  Not like, “Oh I’ll just die if I have to do that”.  No – that I would die.  At times I had a plan on how I would do it, other times, even recently,  just vowed and knew that if I ever came to that place, no doubt I’d be able to carry it out.   That was sent out into the universe!!!  A core belief of mine.  Unconscious about what I was doing and accomplishing in my body with that vow.

After one of my divorces, I went to a divorce recovery class and clearly learned the mess that we make of our lives with our vows.  They’re not a good thing.  But somehow I didn’t relate that to my “knowing” that I’d die.  But yes, it was a vow.

About seven years ago, I left my business in the Southwest, retired and moved to the Pacific Northwest.  I had built a great referral business from my website that was bringing enough income for me to live pretty comfortably with my social security that I had recently started collecting.  I had invested in two rental condos in my town, put a good deal of cash down but structured them to protect my tax position with my income.  Within a few months, my referral income started dropping precipitously.  My real estate expenses were still quite large but manageable.  I had a pretty good savings stash so felt protected.   I was certain that my business was going to come back so continued carrying it financially for many months but alas, the economy was changing in ways none of us fully expected.  It took out my income over the next couple of years.  So many adjustments in a lifestyle that I lived for quite a few years – very difficult to change but was working on it.

Then, I got a notice of audit from the IRS for three separate years.  I had been having my taxes prepared by a former IRS auditor and CPA and felt fine about being audited.  My accountant would accompany me.  I made four trips back  to consult with my accountant and each time, she was extremely stressed and ask if I could come back a few weeks later.  I had other business to take care of there so agreed to do that.  On the fourth trip, she still was unable to cope with my situation.  By then I was extremely stressed and panicked.  I was the only one talking to the IRS and was feeling very intimidated and vulnerable.  I ended up hiring tax attorneys near where I am living who dealt with situations like mine and they redid my taxes – after lugging boxes of receipts to Seattle – and said that the IRS was correct – that I owed them $38,000 plus penalties and interest.

I had been in a car accident in 1994, had been receiving treatment for injuries.  Short story is – insurance ended up denying payment for all treatment – I can’t remember the details, I’ve put them out of my mind.  Basically I ended up feeling that they believed I was faking my injuries.  I was not.  In any event, I ended up paying about $9,000 in medical fees.

Most of my savings were gone.  Over this period of time, I short sold the two investment condos – my cash investment in those was gone – and then some.

Within a very few months I was broke!

There were way too many financial issues and adjustments and personal issues that go with those failures – business and investments – all things financial in my life were changed.  And of course that changed my life.  In every way.

Right after I had gotten my notice of IRS audit, I had met the man who is now my husband.  We traveled for several months in his motorhome.  He ask that I pay half of the expenses and I was still ok, I thought, so I agreed.  I was still paying all of my own expenses and my income had been dropping steadily, however, my business income had been consistent for sometime before my move, so I was certain that I’d be fine.  I wasn’t.   My husband had been used to splitting everything 50/50 in his relationships and I tried to do that, but it was becoming extremely difficult.  I talked to him about it and we decided that we would change to percentages, based on our incomes.  That worked somewhat but I continued to struggle.  I can handle struggle and have always landed on my feet.  But, I’d always had income and a way to make more if I temporarily needed it.  Different now – way different now.

I’ve known for some time that if I were ever to be in a relationship, that I’d need to make adjustments and thought I’d done a good job in educating myself, thinking thru scenarios, was well prepared for a true relationship after years of no real relationship – other than my relationship with my work and friends.  I’ve been very independent, and remember my vow – never to be financially dependent on anyone – ever again!!   Vows – now I can see clearly why I failed financially – a major life lesson that I was learning and probably the deepest healing I’ve ever experienced.  It was so painful and bizarre at the time.  As soon as I’d handled one financial mess – not really handled, just paid, tried to let go of anger, feeling trapped, no good options – another seemingly impossible financial situation occurred.   It was uncanny after always being able to get on my feet, find a good solution.  This time, and in every instance, my only solution was to pay.  Until I was broke and dependent on someone else financially!!

All of this really came to a head with I started having serious health problems in January of 2011.  Suddenly.  I was in a lot of stress with my Son’s botched surgery rendering him disabled, his family in serious stress with very little food, faced being homeless and in severe constant pain after his back surgery.  My daughter’s long time marriage was in serious trouble, much pain for my like-a-son, son-in-law and my dear daughter.  It was all so tragic – all of them.

Oh, and in 2009, my husband and I were in an accident on a major freeway, overturned our RV and I was injured with injuries that I still deal with every day – not life threatening, thank God.

And in the last five years, there were multiple deaths in my immediate family, and close loves, my Dad, my ex-husband and closest friend, two other closest friends, two sisters and my brother-in-law.  Some major stressors here!

Even though I’ve had my share of challenges during my life, I’ve had a fun, inspired, adventurous, pretty fulfilling life, some great loves and problems that were manageable and had solutions.  All of a sudden, everything was totally out of control and unmanageable in almost every area of my life.  And my son had desperate needs – financial needs, and me with no money and unable to get by myself.

I blamed my medical issues on these stresses – and they did have a part.  But there was something deeper and I could never – or didn’t want to – acknowledge what it was.   I didn’t put it all together until this month in fact.  It came out in marital pain.  My husband and I have had many challenging issues since our marriage late in our life.  It’s basically a wonderful relationship but not without pain when our issues collide.  We are both excellent problem solvers, have great resolve, sincerely want a fulfilling relationship and are committed.  We’re both open to taking responsibility for our own issues and working thru them.

Using all the skills that I’ve learned from Eckhart Tolle, Oprah and many others on her shows, I wrote him a letter expressing my pain – about myself.  He really listened.  I listened.  I had been paying almost my entire check towards our expenses and medical bills and failing every month with my finances – reinforcing my feelings of being a financial failure.  This has been going on for months.   My husband initiated a “talk” about my letter.  He suggested that I no longer pay rent and he wanted to pay my medical bills because he felt that some of his issues had caused my hospitalizations – in reality, we were partners in that one.  But he “got it” and my immediate relief told me volumes.  I felt healed but didn’t understand why immediately.   I don’t know if I even comprehend everything yet but my shame is gone.  It’s gone and I didn’t even know how huge it was in me until it was gone.  It feels like a miracle.   It may take some time to figure this out but my gratefulness starts right here!

I flashed back to my Dad grudgingly giving me a nickle, a quarter, whatever it was.   As an adult, I have so often thought how loving it would have been for my Dad to look at me adoringly and with love and say – here it is Daughter.  I love you.   Get some pretty pencils.  Idealistic, but wow – would I have felt cherished.   It would not have been about the money – it would have been the giving and receiving and the love that went with it, filling a need.  The love.   Instead it turned into things, giving myself – and others –  things to feel love – not from others as that has always been very uncomfortable.   Duh.    I’ve given a lot away, but I’ve always gotten way too much for myself, as well – way more than I’ve needed.  Profound.  Now I can apply the phrases to myself and really get it – it’s not what you have, it’s who you are.  Now I need to learn more about who I am.  My husband freely tells me.   I’m really watching to see what it is about me that I love and appreciate.  It’s nice to have people – that matter to me – mirror how they see me.

Yesterday, we were on a trip to the mountains to pick huckleberries.  I’d had about 3 hours sleep the night before and was semi-dosing in the car when I realized – the vow!  My health problems.  No words can come close to expressing my freedom and clarity.   Suddenly I knew –  and now I’m free!!!!  Just like that (I’m snapping my fingers:)  Free of fear of death – at least if it happens, I’m no longer doing it to myself.  I was living in terror – in the night especially – of my death.   I believe my subconscious was telling me what it was doing.   I had become financially incapable of caring for myself and my mind and body were carrying out the vow.   I was killing myself.  I knew from all of my medical tests that I am in exceptional health but I was having severe blood pressure problems that were threatening stroke or heart attack and I have no doubt that I was well on my way to accomplishing my vow.  It had to be causing damage to my body.

I was in a downward spiral and in a dreadfully dark place.   It never occurred to me to talk to my husband and ask him for more financial help.   It wasn’t even in my frame of reference.   I was stuck, and in my darkness saw myself in a shameful place and a dismal failure and not deserving to be here.    I was saying the words to him, not realizing I was asking for help,  but without the intent to get help – felt I was stating where I was and why.  My unconscious intent was to die.   He heard me and loves me and problem solved.   Words can’t express – thank you husband.  Thank you Oprah and Eckhart Tolle!  There are no specifics that led to my “Aha moment” – it was a collection of so many things from the shows and Tolle books and discussions I’ve listened to.  How do I ever express how my life has changed.

I clearly understand things I’ve learned from Eckhard Tolle – that once we become conscious of any issue, it’s power is gone, the pain body can never harm us again as long as we remain conscious.  I think my husband understands his part in my healing, I hope so.  Maybe no one can fully understand but I think he does.  I’ll bet Eckhart Tolle and Oprah would know exactly what has happened within me.  Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!

And I can feel my Dad rejoicing – he never meant harm.   I know that.

Right now I have such peace!